Inside dispute with The Beast

I can’t live without you

I can’t live with you

In this dying of the light, dear

Let me bleed

Let me breath

Pour some guilt and we’ll be perfection

Round and round we dance

Till our sight hazy, till our soul heavy

Dear, come and I’ll be your protection

Mister, please leave me alone


Oh he did it all to spare me from the awful things in life that come

And he cries and cries




In his bitter embrace, May 5th, 2017

Priorities, mother

“Do you want to live, honey?”, the old lady ask, a glint of hope shine in her wrinkled eyes.

In the square white room with a window looking to the park, the young lady in questioned, Eirene lay on a white bed, closes her eyes, her tears rolled out, she slowly shakes her head.

“Eirene, sweetheart”, the old lady hold Eirene’s bony hand, “ we have a donor, we finally have it, you just need to sign this, and your heart will be as good as new, and you will be happy”. She tried her hardest to smile and pass her optimism even just a bit to her daughter.

Eirene open her eyes, she look sideway to the window, there’s no sun ray only grey cloud and bristle of wind. “Do you really believe that, mom?” She said softly. “I’m 25, not 12 I know there is no connection between heart transplant and depression”.

The old lady sigh softly, she gaze around the room, making sure there are no sharp things, she lower her gaze and goes “But do you know that physical illness could have an effect on mental illness?” her grip goes tighter on her hand’s daughter.

“There is no guarantee” Eirene reply after a solid minute passed.

“But we can try, one illness at a time”, she now place both her hands on her daughter’s. But Eirene keep her empty gaze out in the sky above and her mouth shut

“I’ll be with you, always, love” the old lady fix her gaze on her daughter’s skinny face.

Eirene keeps her silence.

The old lady continued, “what if it is my heart? Will you still refuse it?”.

In a heartbeat, in whisper, eirene replies, “I’ll kill myself before you had the chance to operate”.

The old lady try to contain her tears but it’s stills welled up, she release her grip, close her mouth with her hand and clutch her heart, the UNICEF badge in her uniform wrinkled, she whisper between sob, “honey, you’re breaking my heart”.

Eirene close her eyes, “if you do it, you will break mine too”.

Can’t contain her cry, the old lady get out trying to calm herself, upon the door she said, “I’ll come back later”.

By a minute the door closed, Eirene open her eyes, walking barefoot, like ghost, hollow, she sneaks into the doctor’s room, she opens the file, it was confirmed, her mother’s name written as the organ donor, complete with a sign and date of operation. With no changing expression she closes it, grabs a cutter from the doctor’s desk and walking slowly, quietly, with an empty gaze, straight to her room.

Eirene writes on a paper, close her door, and slide the paper down the door, lie down, take some sleep pills, and slit both her hands.

An hour later after she calms herself, the old lady walk back, through the hallway of the echo from screaming, laughing, crying of other patients. At the end of the hallways, in front of the door she sees the paper, and read it:


To the mother of all children,

Your life is more meaningful than mine. In my whole life I love you, always. But I am sick. From the bottom of my heart, I am deeply sorry, mom. 





The old lady open the door, she drop on her knees crying her heart out until no sound coming from her grieve.

The doctors and nurses rush on her direction, a nurse lead her to sit on the sofa on Eirene’s room, “madam secretary, please sit here while we take care of miss Eirene” Said the nurse

The old lady mumble in her tremble like she said these words to herself, “I have saved hundreds of children, how can I couldn’t save my own, my only child?”.






Hospital bed, May 31st, 2017






Preference on Greek Goddess

Eirene – Goddess of peace and spring


To all creature whom and which I care and consider precious,


No i’m not blue, I don’t know what spectrum am I in honestly

But I have in my hand a bundle of joy, the gift shining merrily

My happy friends standing, waiting, smiling, expecting my reaction when I open this bundle

But what if, when I open the bundle, it’s the only happiness and colour in my life

What if, after I open the bundle, after the euphoria passed, my life goes back to dull and colourless

The little colour splatter of anticipation in which excite me, is enough to keep my vein flows

My cowardice have won,

I hug my bundle of joy tightly,

with a state of mind to open it indifinitely

hoping my happy friends willing to wait with me



On happy procrastination, May 23rd 2017

Can the dead love?

Can the dead love?

He loves you

He loves you the most

Love, love, love

They chant, they sing, they dance


Waving their scarred hand

Stomping their bleed feet

His courtesy


The dead’s love is alive

As long as the chant live

On and on in my vein


But how can I feel his love

If he sang it through teary eyes, chapped lips, and broken hearted mass

But darling, the dead do love

The song continue




Apr 16th, 2017

In between

Under the water I rest my heart

Up above the cloud my mind stood

I try to paint a picture

Yet word escape me


All the butterflies flap its wings!

. . .

All the fairy’s lights twinkling!

. . .

Oh, the rainbows they’re shining!

. . .

Darling, look!

. . .


I know

I want you to know too

I want my love ones to know too

How do I tell them with a blank canvas

How do I show them with words so dim


At harmony boulevard, depression st, Apr 22nd 2017

The Beast

When I lay with the beast sleep doesn’t come

When I lay with the beast my friends are distant

When I lay with the beast confidence turn to dust

When I lay with the beast the will to live get away and w ay and w a y and w   a  y

The worst part is when epiphany come knocking, saying,

All along I am the beast

(I am not the beast)


At beast’s side, Apr 12th 2017

A time like this

I love Sunday noon the most

The time where everything is at rest from busy days ago

The sun place itself in the fluff of cloud

A couple birds have a little talk in branches away

I lay my light body with closed eyes

The only noise in the room is my heartbeat

It’s like time moving slowly

Everything at place in harmony

For a moment,

A glimpse

The world –however small its range- feel well


Under the roof, apr 16th, 2017

The girl who lost things

I lost my pencil every half a year

I lost my brush between three months

I lost my hairband almost every month

I lost my lipstick half way I used it

I lost my favorite shirt once

I lost my hamster to an evil cat

I lost my cat to age

I lost my bird to accident

I lost my friend to purpose

I lost my faith to a friend

I lost my bestfriends- no they found me

I lost my first lov- also no, boy lost me

I lost my innocence to a boy

I lost my guard to a man

I lost my sadness to a man

I lost my anger to a man

I lost my chaos to a man

I lost my demon to a man

I lost my sanity to a man

I lost my sleep to a man

I lost my appetite to a man

I lost my tears to a man

I lost my peace to a man

I lost my youth to a man

I lost my heart to a man

I lost a man

I lost my grieve to a child

I lost my sticking bone to a child

I lost my numb to a child

I lost my hollow to a child

I lost my paralysis to a child

I lost my depression to a child

I lost my mediocre to a child

I lost my loneliness to a child

I lost my dreary to a child

I found my life in a child


I lost a child

I lost my

I lost mine

I lost


I loST




I lost life

To myself

Faith is born today, she look pale, fragile, melancholic, no sign of life on her

Do I have faith?


She’s quite, not screaming like every newborn being, she has a few tears in her eyes though, they have to take a detailed look on her, they examine her. Their figure clouded faith on me, I can only catch a glimpse of her little presence. No movement in sight, no sound heard


An hour

A day



Do I have faith?


Shadows come and go, clouding my sight of her again

I lay still

I breathe

and breathe and breathe

and breathe and breathe andbreathe

and breatheandbreatheandbr-


A touch, a soft light, a pat

I open my eyes,

Oh, it’s Love, standing at my side with the two other

At last, God accede me of faith

And last, Universe handed me faith

Do I have faith?

I have faith
Let’s live





April 1st, 2017